Carmela: During last night's meet, I saw a kid eat two cheese burgers and four twizzlers 15 minutes before his race and he still won by half a length. I was told that children should consume only lightly buttered pasta and drink only purified spring water in preparation for racing. What does my observation of last night's gluttonous consumption prove?

Answerman: It proves that a really fast kid can eat two cheese burgers and 4 twizzlers and still win against kid's who are slower. It is a sad fact of life.

Ken: This is the third swim meet I've seen and I still don't understand everything that is happening and I am a lawyer. What does this prove?

Answerman: It proves that you should volunteer for a wide variety of swim team jobs. This will aid in your development and understanding.

It's Started!

It’s Started!



Bob: What happened last month? You didn’t write anything for the community paper last month, and I slept fitfully for a week as a result.

Answerman: It’s OK now Bob. Life went on; the swim team went on to continued flourishing growth and psychological maturity and the Answerman’s lack of love for the needs of his community diminish in the rear view mirror of time and nice weather. He will try not to let it happen again. Sometimes the muse fails to descend. As an artist yourself, I’m sure you understand that sometimes the inkwell of creative energy falls on the floor like unfolded, yet clean clothes from the top of the dryer.

Carla: Yeah, OK, but what is happening on the swim team? It’s July already!

Answerman: Yeah, well, OK Carla, here’s the thing. You are readin’ this in July but I am writin’ this in June. It’s just the way the publishing world works. Practice has just started. The water is cold and the little children are suffering. We have 183 children so far; our biggest team in a while.

Rachel: That is a lot of kids to manage. The swim team parents and volunteers must have hearts of gold, massive amounts of patience and the sacrificial outlook of Mother Theresa. The swim team committee, of which you were once the front man, must be the type of people who look on community service and the summer welfare of children as the conceptual equivalent of martyrdom. Can you give us an inside view of the stream of consciousness that takes place at a swim team saints meeting?

Answerman: Of course. And I quote. “ Do we have a volunteer for ice? No. Yes! Yes we do! Tracy is going to do it. Her kids are the perfect size for ice bag toting and she can have the ice at the pool by 5:30. Alright! (general background noises of relief and gratitude) Like how much ice should I tell her to get? 8 bags. Big ones or little ones? Big ones. It’s summer. Where should she get them? Giant. We can get them cheaper from Costco! Yeah, but they will be melted by the time she gets back. Good point. Do we have a volunteer for morning practice donuts? No. But when we do, could some one tell her to increase the percentage of chocolate ones? (General background noises of approval and agreement).
Monique: That is so awesome! I can’t wait to get married, have kids and join the swim team committee!

Answerman: Certainly a set of worthy goals Monique

Starting Attitudes

Maurice: What should my child be thinking as he stands at the edge of the pool awaiting the starting horn to begin his race?

Answerman: Each of the Answer Children practices a different method of mental motivation. One child thinks positive, optimistic, semi- agressive thoughts. The other sums up her preparation routine thusly, " I think of nothing."

Ted: Baseball is known as "The Thinking Man's Sport". How do you regard swimming?

Answerman: Again I defer to one of the Answer Children, "What's to think about? You dive in go as fast as you can and get out."